A little over a month ago something happened that changed my perspective on life. I realized that nothing i had valued mattered. Nothing i had previously feared was scarey, and i did not yet understand the depth of the word “pain” and what it meant. For 3 weeks i prayed ceaselessly and more intensely than i had ever prayed for anything in my 35 years of life. There was an individual, whom i knew didnt belong to me in any way, but was important to me and a lot of other people. He was a kind and quiet human with a knack for taking care of those who were most vulnerable and couldnt take care of themselves. We were not ready to lose him. We couldnt lose him to heaven, not at this time, not when he was so young and everything was so unfinished and all his patients were looking for him and all his coworkers were devastated and in tears.
For weeks i prayed and organized others to pray and i kept getting told, “you know, if its God’s will to restore him he will restore him and if its God’s will to take him he will take him, and you have to make peace with that. Its God’s will, not your will. You have to surrender to God’s will, whatever that may be, and know that it is what’s best.” I couldnt do it. It felt like giving up. It felt like even the possibility that he might be relinquished to heaven was a betrayal and an unacceptable option. I couldnt say the words. I got told by wise older christians that i could not use God like a wishing well or a gumball machine. I had to let go of the steering wheel and let God drive. After weeks of organizing every avenue of prayer i could think to utilize and reach out to, there was still no change in his condition and i realized that the older Christians were right. I had been asking God for something in prayer out of selfishness and fear. My fingers were white knuckling the steering wheel trying to will my desire for restoration into existence, and i had to change my vocabulary to put God in charge in my mind, not me. Someone asked me, “who are you to think your will for him is better than God’s?” I knew they were right but my heart was not there yet. I could not let go of the steering wheel at that time. I couldnt let him go and i didnt want to lie to God and say that i could when i knew i couldnt. So i drank in sermons on one specific topic until i received two pieces of wisdom that allowed me to pry a finger off the steering wheel one at a time and finally say the words “God, your will be done, not mine.” The first sermon i watched let me know that whoever you are praying for, and you feel your prayer is going unanswered…know that God has his own relationship with that person and he loves that person just as much if not more than you do, and he will undoubtedly do what is best for that person because he knew them and loved them before you did, and he will look after the soul of his child. The last sermon i listened to said that God will either give you what you pray for or he will give you what you would’ve prayed for if you knew what he knows. Every night i prayed ceaselessly for weeks and every night the holy spirit answered me with a consistent and resounding “no” and a beautiful display of light to coincide with the bitterness of the answer.
I wasnt angry with God. I was fearful. I was in complete and utter fear. I could tell that his spirit was elsewhere than in our world and i knew how easily he could have slipped off in the other direction rather than the one we were coaxing him to return to. His life felt fragile and precious and i begged like i had never begged for anything in life before. I had been making stomach ulcers over being able to afford my adjustable rate mortgage on the homestead. Suddenly i offered it, repossess the house, take the homestead, i dont need it. Its just land. I had been complaining about my health. It suddenly paled in comparison to what was happening around us. I didnt any longer care about my health struggles. I was worried about the miles on the car. The miles on the car seemed stupid and insignificant now. Everything that i thought was important, everything i thought i couldnt live without, i would have traded in a heartbeat for his life.
When i finally spoke the words, “your will be done, not mine.” It felt like 2 things simultaneously. It felt like defeat and peace. Suddenly, life was quiet. There was no ringing in my head. No chaos of prayer, hope, and pleading racing around in a furious dust devil between my ears. silence. A knowing that what i had said was the right decision, followed immediately by a sense of betrayal. Even though i knew those were the words to speak, and i had made sure to come to them genuinely and not out of simple compliance…it still felt as if i had given up on him. I didnt talk the rest of the day. It was a somber time of reflection and of waiting to see what God would do.
That evening i was standing in the dollar general. A friend was telling me i had done the right thing. It was time to let him go. 3 weeks, no change in his condition. Obviously God intended to bring him home, to the celestial home, in heaven with the angels where all good people would one day go, and it only made sense to take him there because everyone kept saying how kind he was and God takes people when they’ve learned what they need to know from this realm. I picked up one of the prayer candles. My friend said, “what are you going to do with that? You’re neither hispanic nor catholic.” This was true. I was neither hispanic nor catholic, and i was not exactly sure what i was looking at, but i was christian and there was an english translation of the prayer printed on the candle next to the one written in spanish and i knew the holy spirit had drawn my eye to the bottom shelf where the candles stood barely visible and in shadow. I squatted beside the display and picked out one titled “mary, mother of jesus” and one titled “st jude”. I carried them to the checkout. My friend rubbed her forehead, “you were doing so good. We talked about this. You were going to let go and let God…”. I shrugged, “im still doing that. It just…it cant hurt. I mean, i’ll pray ‘if it be your will’ and if it isnt his will, then he wont let it come to pass. So, no harm done, right?” My friend nodded her head.
I took those candles home. I inserted my prayers into the pre-printed little prayer script and then lit each candle. I let them burn all night.
The following morning a dear friend came racing to tell me something. She said the man’s name and i grimaced as i braced to hear the words “has passed”. Instead she blurted out the words “woke up!” And i started breathing again. I hugged her so tight as i tried to remember what it felt like to stand up. I hugged her and hugged her and she started saying thank you to God and how God was so powerful and so merciful and how good this was.
My soul was numb. I was just so in shock at those two words. “Woke up.” I got what i wanted. God answered my prayer. I had asked him to give him back to his mother. God answered. In my astonishment and happiness i forgot what it was i was doing. I decided i had a new task. I found all the women who were devastated by his absence and i put them out of their misery. I told them “he is awake.” And there was a tinge of relief and maybe joy before they went back to trying to hide all of their emotions. One of them thanked me for telling her and i realized that her feeling was probably very genuine as she cared more about knowing he was alive than establishing who had claim to him. In that moment she just wanted to celebrate, and i could respect that in her.
I light prayer candles daily and i pray for healing and restoration. That is how i can help now at this point in time. I realize the individual is once again a free agent and could upon recovery move to Alaska or even France, and that’s okay with me. I just need him to be in the world, existing. I did not realize until it happened that i was not going to be okay if he was not in the world, existing: soothing dementia patients and inhaling energy drinks as if oxygen to pull double shifts.
I prayed for him to be alive and to be given back to his mother, and God answered my prayer, so literally nothing else matters. I am happy, no matter what. And that change in perspective is a gift that the holy spirit has given me. After my prayer was answered i got sick, the porch came apart, and the a/c busted. I couldnt take anything for a fever because of my stomach ulcers so i was just outside in a delirious state with the drill and 500 ft of extension cord, screwing the boards of wood back down and cleaning the house with a fever, chills, and splitting headache because the a/c repair man couldnt be allowed to see how i live…i called my a/c repair man and called home depot and put a window unit on hold. The home depot did not hold the window unit, only wrote it down, and the repair guy cancelled and has not taken my calls or contacted me back since stating that he was trying to find someone else to do it instead of him that day. I called everyone i could find via google and they all said no to either the window unit or driving out to my town. Then i had a thought. I knew my electrician had mentioned he built houses. I figured he might know how to install a unit, or if not at least know somebody who did. I was right, he was super handy and agreed to help me install the new a/c unit, which he did the following day. On the day the a/c unit broke i was headed to austin the following saturday to get meds for my stomach ulcers and offline organs and i couldnt miss that appointment to make up work if i called in. I was seeing all my patients and all my boss’s patients because he was out with covid all week. I couldnt not go to work and i couldnt leave the dogs at the house because the high temperature for the day was supposed to be 106 and i had a window unit that wasnt working in 4 different ways and i wasnt sure when it was going to cut off completely with the noise it was making. I realized, half dressed and dreading the concept as i stood there in the bathroom getting ready for work, the dogs were going to have to go with me. I spent about forty minutes putting everything from the car into the house and putting the dog crates, leashes, bowls, and dogs from the house into the car. I drove them the hour to work and set it all up in the weight room where they stayed while i hurried up and tried to finish work. They barked at EVERYONE who opened the door. It was a disaster. So noisy. I wanted to die. Just melt into the floor and cease to exist before the boss fired me…but i wasnt sure what else to do. I couldnt leave the patients unseen and it was too short notice to find a place to board the dogs. Everyone was full. They were terribly behaved and then the following day i came down with covid symptoms and then found out the lady who had watched my dogs on day 2 of broken a/c, the patient i had been treating, and my boss all tested positive for covid. So i had to facetime my mother for our makeup birthday gathering after she left my portion of the food in a to-go box on the doorstep outside because i couldnt come in as i was contagious. Somebody said to me, “you have had a really sucky week. Im sorry its been so bad.” My answer was, “yeah, but God answered my prayer. No matter what happens…to me, to the land, to the a/c, to the dogs or chickens, or to my job…God answered my prayer, so im happy.” And plenty keeps going wrong. Thats life. But i no longer care. God answered my prayer and i am happy.