Patience Required

Im having a rough time with anxiety and depression. A surgery i have needed since i was 14 was granted last month. This is a huge step forwards. Unfortunately, just because it was granted does not mean it is going to happen. The surgery is not yet scheduled and there are visits, tests, paperwork, and time in between granting and fruition. Both doctors are the best doctors i have met in my life and i respect and love them dearly. Everyone seems to be on the same page. The things standing in between this moment and surgery date seem very routine and typical. My next visit is supposed to be purely about information and liability. I must be fully educated on what is going to happen and all possible outcomes. I also must sign paperwork that states that i understand and accept the surgery could result in grave injury or death. This is a standard practice in healthcare. The hospital will have you sign such a paper no matter how routine the surgery because there is always a chance things could go wrong. And i literally dont care. I am in a mental space where after 21 years of pain, i obviously hope everything goes swimmingly but whatever happens happens. I must have this surgery. If there is a chance it could end 21 years of pain…. The only thing i can think about right now is getting this done before any other roadblocks arise. It took so long to get here. I have two doctors who listen to me and care about the experience of life that i am having. And i am so used to things going awry, i am terrified that this may not happen. I wont relax until i have a date on the calendar. After decades of doctors dismissing me or yelling at me for wasting their time, ive found two women who understand and are willing to help me. I just want to hurry up before any buildings can be struck by lightening, people bitten by zombies, scheduling computers melted by radioactive laser rays….you know, the usual roadblocks.

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