I was brushing my teeth. My atypical self must pace the length of the house while i brush my teeth. I cant get it done standing in front of the bathroom mirror. So im pacing the house when i notice a bark scorpion camped out on the wall above the bookshelf. If you didnt know bark scorpions can climb trees, walls, and walk on ceilings. They are the primary reason for the mosquito net tent around my bed. its not for mosquitos. Its for wasps and scorpions. I have one rule about bark scorpions. If you’re gonna try to kill em, make sure you kill em, because they remember. If you pull some **** with a bark scorpion and miss, that ****** ****** will come out from under the furniture like a medieval soldier rushing a battlefield. Like, ready for battle and determined to get revenge. They dont run off, no they come to settle the unfinished business you now have with them. Knowing this about bark scorpions i had a dilemma. You see, it was sitting above head height on the wall. The only thing i had that was tall enough to stand on and be above the scorpion in some way was the rocking chair, but it was a rocking chair. It would rock and id probably miss. The scorpion was sitting right in the indentation part of the wall panelling. I had to hit it head on with something thin and precise. Maybe the spine of a book (thats what i chose). I could stand on the step stool but then when i hit it it would likely fall on my head. I chose the rocking chair, obviously. Who wants a bark scorpion out for vengeance in your hair?
I went to hit it and my weight shift threw the chair away from the scorpion so as i thrust forward to hit the scorpion my feet were rocking the other way. I grazed it. It went down behind the bookshelf, fully unscathed. I got down from the rocking chair. Clearly that did not work out. Nothing had gone according to plan. This was not best case scenario. I kept peeking out from the bathroom and examining the area around the bookshelf to see if the scorpion had emerged. My thought was that now that the scorpion knew i wanted to kill it, it would definitely come for me. It would seek me out to finish the battle. I had looked several times and i couldnt see the scorpion anywhere. I told myself, “you’re ridiculous. The scorpion is not coming for you. Its probably just going to go back in the wall somewhere. Your rule about scorpions is probably paranoia.” Right after i said this i did a casual peek out the bathroom door one more time. The bark scorpion was square in the middle of the entrance to the bathroom with its tail up and its pinchers out, poised in my direction as if to say, “pick your weapon. Lets do this *****.” I jumped. One second he was nowhere and the next he was square in the entrance to the bathroom facing me with weapons out. I didnt have any of the books in the bathroom. All i had was a canister of salt to make sure new clothes didnt dye the rest of them in the laundry. I grabbed it. The scorpions tail went up a bit higher in response. I smashed it under the canister with all my might. I did this until it was unrecognizable and had quit twitching. I won, but there will always be others. If you’re going after it, dont miss, because it will come after you.