This is the moment where i began to see my job as a second home and the group of people i worked with as family. My introverted self began participating in things that took me outside of my comfort zone because people i cared about asked me to and i understood that it would make them happy. this year i participated in multiple baby showers, holiday parties, and i rode on a float in a christmas parade dressed as a character from peanuts. This is where i went wrong because i changed my expectations. I set myself up for disappointment. When you expect to be viewed as a small cog in a very large machine, you will do your work without complaint and you will not be disappointed when you cant have what you want. When you start viewing the people around you as friends or family you begin expecting them to care about your wants and needs. This is not part of the job description, which is why i set myself up for failure. I do a job. They pay me. My job is to see sick people. There were sick people to be seen. Perhaps if we were friends one would understand why i might refuse to see an RSV patient right before leaving for Christmas to see my immunocompromised grandmother who is having a rough time with her health and recovering from a fall that resulted in multiple broken bones. However, we are not friends. I am an employee that works for a company and what i do off the clock has nothing to do with my job or my company. It is my job to show up and do my job, whether they have rsv or bubonic plague. If i had understood that i was just a number on a page, i may have reacted better, but i didnt. I had seen all the covid positive patients and the combative patients so that my pregnant coworker didnt have to. I had seen all the flu positive and rsv positive patients up until this day. I just wanted one day where i wasnt exposing myself to deadly contagion so that i could have a proper window to watch myself for symptoms before deciding whether i was going to be able to go see grandma. And this would have been a reasonable request were i a valued friend or a human, and thats where i made my mistake. I am not a friend nor a human. I am an employee contracted to do a job. So i altered my expectations and did my work. I just spent two weeks getting over one strain of the flu. Friday night i seemed to be coming down with the other strain in my building. I had to start all over with my teas and supplements and vitamins and coconut and electrolyte drinks. I started over with a new fever, snot, and non-stop sneezing.
It is Midday Sunday and i now dont have a fever. Im off the cold and flu pill and am just doing coconut water and supplements. I think the sentiment i was supposed to understand was that everyone would like to see their family for the holidays. Why should we be precious with me? Well, because im single. Because i dont have a spouse or children. Because “we’re not in good conscience going to be able to go see grandma” doesnt mean i still get to eat a meal, sing christmas songs, and hang out with my immediate family while we nurse our health issues. It means i will be spending Christmas with my cat, my two dogs, and my eight chickens in my one room house by myself with a microwaveable tofu scramble. It means my family member will just hold onto my christmas presents and i will pick them up in april when i travel there to go to a dentist appointment. It means i will miss all the vegan food ive been looking forward to all year that you cant get in the middle of the country. It means i will miss one of the two opportunities i have each year to eat a meal i didnt have to cook. I feel so saddened that i have been willing to take on every difficult or contagious patient for most of this year to give my coworker the best shot at a healthy pregnancy and i couldnt have this one thing i needed to spend Christmas with my immunocompromised Grandmother and the rest of my family. However, if i look at it from the point of view that i am an employee and not a friend it makes a lot more sense. I got too big for my britches. I got too close to these people, and i started looking at this as a second home rather than a job. I shouldnt have done that.
I will have a nice relaxing day off, do some laundry, and spend some quality time with my animals on Monday. On Tuesday i will return to work and the mistake will not be made again. I will do my work without complaint. Expectations have been adjusted. Things will run smoother.