I found this paragraph that i’d jotted down on an introspective day earlier this year.
“Jesus teaches us that there are things that are more important than money. 1. Love for thy fellow human being. 2. What is right and just in the eyes of the Lord. Both things are more important than money. Money makes this realm go round, but it is useless in the next. So each individual must decide what rules their heart; the rules of this realm or the next. i require money to maintain my existence here, yes, but it should not be the focal point of my decision making. What’s right and what’s loving should be my first priorities and what’s financially responsible a close second. Im not saying throw all your money to the wind or spend willy nilly on anything you see. Im just talking about priorities and wiring. After a while it changes the way you think about the world. You realize how impermanent every “thing” is. However, your actions start a chain reaction that will exist for generations. Your priorities will dictate what flavor of chain reaction your legacy ends up being during and after your time here on this earth. You can remind people of grace, jesus’ love, kindness, patience, and prayer, or you can remind people what a dog eat dog world they live in. Its up to you what mark you leave but however you live, a mark will be left.”
So far, in the 7 years i’ve lived on my property, i’ve lived according to that paragraph and the ideas behind it. Because i’ve had the opportunity to do so. This year, the value of the american dollar has dropped and not returned to its former worth. My salary has remained unchanged. I am realizing this is not a temporary state of being but the new norm. I cannot afford to add any more trees to the orchard. I cannot afford to erect any further structures, pens, or sheds. I cannot afford to buy any further clothes or scrubs. I cannot afford groceries. I have returned to the ration of two boxes of rice pasta and $90 worth of fedexed produce each week. no beans, no olives, no waffles, no cashews… the exciting food is over and the sustenance food is back. Its time to buckle down and budget like we’re back in the beginning of the pandemic and $5000 in debt because we have yo buy our own ppe because healthcare employers are corrupt and spend the federally allocated funds on corporate rather than providing the little people with much needed life preserving protection. But i digress. Next year christmas presents will be paper cards with well wishes rather than things. Next year food will be produce cooked from scratch rather than packaged meals. Next year i will focus on maintaining what i have rather than adding anything to the homestead. The slow walk to the latter half of the 20 year mortgage has begun a bit early simply because the american dollar is not worth as much as it used to be, so in that sense, the second half of my adjustable rate mortgage (the half that i can barely afford vs the half that i can swing comfortably) has begun 3 years early. My coworker said to me, “knowing what you know now i bet you wish you’d loved differently the past 7 years. I bet you wish you’d saved every penny and spent it on your own mortgage instead of us.” And the answer in my heart was immediate and deafening, a resounding “absolutely not.” Money is the root of all evil. When you begin making decisions based solely on the idea of keeping as much of it as possible, you become a bitter colder person who is farther away from God in your pursuit of this empty and meaningless thing. I am aware it holds value in the sense of i need it to survive financially in this realm, but in a cosmic or eternal sense, the paper and metal morsels are meaningless. The happiness, joy, and meaning that the acts on which i chose to spend the money i made over the past seven years brought to people around me, i wouldnt trade that. That made my heart rich, my soul rich, and i’d rather be rich in heart and soul than pocket any day. I am only sad that this time is over, that i must live differently moving forwards. I will lament the departure from and miss the days in which i could use the finances i earned to brighten another’s day or existence. It is no longer within my power to do so for others but i regret not the time in which it was and the decision to move on doing so. It was enjoyable to be part of the middle class for the time period in which i could swing it and now i will join the thousands who have descended into the lower class economically in the past few years. Perhaps one day in the future, when i’ve paid the mortgage off i will climb back up that ladder, or perhaps i never will. Perhaps this is the new norm for the rest of my life here. No one knows what the future holds. No one can accurately guess how much the economic uncertainties and financial predictions of the future will change for good or bad. All i know is that definitively my coworker is wrong about my feelings about the last 7 years of my life here. Ive lived according to my beliefs and principles and i would not go back and change it if i could. I have bought really individualized and exciting presents for all of the people important to me in my life this year and i am making sure to stop and enjoy the process of giving and seeing their faces as they realize what each gift is and how it will either bring them joy or solve a problem that has existed in their daily life…i know its the last time for a while that i will have the opportunity to produce this reaction in others and so i will relish the privilege of being able to have a front row seat to the sudden expression of joy. I will paste the memories into a photo album and store them in a drawer in my brain so that during christmases to come when i can only provide well wishes on paper cards, i have warm memories to revisit in the recesses of my mind. These are new times we are entering. I must budget differently to keep the house, but my thoughts on priorities and what is cosmically important have not changed. Cost of living is one thing and the cost of the way you live your life is another. One must keep these two separate in your mind.