The patients at this one building think its a tragedy that im not hitched yet and they seek to solve this problem by calling their kids and asking around if so and so is still unhitched or hasnt married again after the death of their wife and they keep presenting choices hoping to solve this perceived problem. I dont feel like a problem. Im not unhappy alone. Its my preferred state of being. Its not impossible for me to date but i lose a great portion of my happiness and independence when i pretzel myself into the qualities that make a fair partner…communication, compromise, empathy, some level of submission (when you date you cant have your way 100% of the time…you are no longer exclusively in charge in the scheme of things, no matter what gender you are…)… i am happier when alone. I dont have to worry about what anyone but myself and God thinks and that’s simpler for me when making decisions. I always have more confidence as a person when alone. I know im having rice pasta with tuna and olives for dinner because that’s what i crave tonight and when you’re alone that’s as far as you have to think when making dinner. I dont have to worry about whether the house, the garden, or my conversation is enough to keep another person content. I only worry about what i want, and maybe that sounds selfish but i believe one should know themselves and if you dont have enough in your cup to pour into another…dont line them up next to you to receive if you know you have nothing to give.
I think these patients imagine i want to go home at the end of the day and cuddle and have a cozy dinner with someone and discuss our days. In fact when i clock out i pick up what i need at the store and i race home to get my evening chores done so i can continue a number of projects i have going on the homestead. I talk to God about my day so there’s no sense of someone missing there. And i dont have enough time for my projects as it is. I cant imagine trying to divide that time and give some to another human being when daylight hours are fading and i only have so much time to write, build, fashion, and repair.
The kicker is, some of the patients and even one coworker who thought it a tragedy that i was unhitched and tried their level best to set me up and fix that problem, were themselves in deeply unhappy and unbalanced marital situations. I’ve seen it done well and i’ve seen happy marriages. Those exist. But both people have to be working at it together and contributing similarly with their time and effort. Both people have to have empathy, appreciation, and respect for one another. It’s not a given. It’s built. Those people who tried so hard to fix me are now struggling greatly themselves and i am surprised by that since they sold the package of marriage so hard for so long in my direction. It just kind of cements the idea that i need to operate based on what i know is best for me, not what would make others feel most comfortable around me. Marriage is like adopting a puppy. That puppy is cute and will bring so much joy but it’s also going to come with a lot of work. You have to potty train the puppy, teach it not to jump, not to chew shoes, to heel, not to pull or go after squirrels on a walk, not to beg or eat from the table, and to stay out of the cat-box. Those tootsie rolls are forbidden. If you are unwilling to put in the work, they all say not to adopt the puppy because you’ll be rehoming it or dumping it beside the road as soon as you realize you’re not up for it. So why would the advice surrounding marriage be any different? I think too often people see my life through their lens, and they evaluate whats important to me and how im feeling based on what they would think and feel were they in my living situation. They dont factor in who i am as a person or my life experiences that led me to this place and not a one of them considers how i individually feel about the situation ive built for myself. I am not unfulfilled. I am not suffering. Im pretty content. I am aware that i am lucky to have something i enjoy returning to and calling my home year after year. I dont aspire to change this operation except to add a few fruit trees and maybe more honeysuckle and some carolina jasmine in the next 14 years. Maybe a wisteria or a mountain laurel too. You never know. 14 years is plenty of time to add one of each of those somewhere on the 2 acres. Then, when im retired, i will set aside some money and finally add two kune kune pigs. I will need money for that because i’ll have to properly fence the two acres so they can roam and mow the lawn. But i want to enjoy the wildlife trekking through for decades before that happens. In old age, i’d rather have the help with keeping the grass down. I have plenty of plans. None of them involve adding a second person.
As i was mowing the grass recently i was wondering why this topic was so controversial for the patients at work. I thought, they must know other single people. Then i thought on that. I couldnt think of any. Every single person they know at work is either married or like 17. I realized, no they dont know anyone like me. So i have some compassion for their puzzlement when they first encounter me. I use humor and make a joke of it the first 6 times they ignore my feedback that i dont want to be hitched. But after 6 times i let them know they’ve crossed a line and ive expressed a desire not to change this part of my life and i need them to respect my opinions and my wishes on that matter because its my life. Theres a delicate dance, a gentle balance that i must observe here. They think they’re being kind and helpful. So i need to remember that and factor in that i’m something they’ve not had any experience encountering before and so probably wont understand. But, we’re also all adults here and its my job as a grown adult to hold boundaries and at some point expect other grown adults to respect my right to choose how i want to structure my private life. It is, after all, mine. And at a certain point, just because something doesnt fit the norm doesnt mean its a tragedy. The tragedy is that i am someone who has always had very strong opinions about “what i want” in life surrounded by people who are not sure what they want. I’ve never understood others’ struggle with finding that out. How to get what i want is sometimes a puzzlement but i’ve never been standing there crying or devastated because i dont “know” what i want. Ive always had a strong sense of what’s important to me and thats remained pretty clear throughout the years. The tragedy, in my opinion, is that the people who are unclear on what they want in life are wasting precious time trying to fix me, when they could be throwing all that effort into figuring out what it is that they actually want.