Around 12 years ago i went on my first and only planned vacation from work. I took a week off and i went to st Petersburg Florida. I stayed in a run down deserted hotel right on the beach. There were nearly no staff and it closed directly after. However, while i was there nobody bothered me. It was wonderful. There was a kitchenette and a balcony. I had stopped at the grocery store and bought groceries on the way from the airport. I spent an entire week shelling on the beach and swimming in the ocean with giant pelicans who were fishing. I spent so much time there the salt spray actually scratched my eyeballs and the last day i couldnt shell. I wokld spend low tide shelling. During high tide i’d eat and wash and sort my catch. In the afternoon a thunderstorm would start building out over the ocean. Then there’d be lightning and thunder and a torrent of rain. During this time period i’d nap to the sound of the storm. Ducks and seagulls would take refuge under the hotel awning and then there’d be a rainbow, the sky would clear up, i’d don flip flops and go back out there. There wasnt any need for a shower. I just went swimming in the ocean and put on more deodorant after. I spoke to no one. It was wonderful. I had a deserted area of beach, a deserted hotel, and a week of time to myself with shells, pelicans, and the ocean.
I wanted to do it again but i never could figure out how to make it happen logistically after creating the homestead. Theres now so much to do here that i cant leave and if i do leave, who knows how to do any of this while im gone, and if they do, how can i afford to pay them while im not getting paid for two weeks. Now im deathly afraid of airplanes so i’d have to drive. Everyone always says that statistically you are more likely to get in a car crash than a plane crash. Well of course: you drive every day. Who knows how many plane crashes we’d be in if we flew every day. And here’s the thing. If i get in a vehicle accident theres a good chance the emt’s will put me back together. If i get in a plane crash, they search for bodies, not survivors. They recover bodies and luggage for the loved ones. Thats it. So, id have to drive. It’d be three days there and three days back so i’d need two weeks off with no pay. I’d either have to take the dogs with me or board them. They dont get vaccinations beyond rabies because they dont leave the homestead so they’d need a buttload of vaccs to be boarded (expensive) or if i take them you either have to pay oodles more money to go to a pet friendly hotel or you need only one dog under 10 lbs that doesnt bark to go to an air bnb thats “pet friendly”. I could buy an rv except that they’re $15,000. Okay so we could rent an rv and drive the dogs there and get a ranch sitter for the chickens and plants except that diesel fuel is really expensive. Any way i worked it, it was going to set me back about two years in savings for mortgage and taxes expenses. It was going to be a logistical nightmare teaching someone to do everything i do exactly how i do it in my absence and having the dogs with me. What would i do with them while i shelled? If they were in crates all day they’d just bark the whole time and the rv park that allowed big dogs had a lot of reviews mentioning the lot owners’ dogs were never on leash and were aggressive towards other dogs. Logistically, it just was not feasible to go to Florida in may of 2026 like i had so been looking forward to the idea of. It broke me and i was devastated for a whole week. What kicked it off was that my coworker went to exactly the place i wanted to go on her vacation last month and i intended to live vicariously through her except that she is not interested in shelling. So they went to florida and they didnt shell. I mean also, terrible luck, there was a tropical storm the whole time she was there, but the point of the matter is, there was no shelling in the docket. The itch was not scratched. So i planned my own vacation for next year, after all my coworkers’ approved vacations would be done and over with and i would be done covering my coworker’s maternity leave and the weather would be nice again. That put me in may of 2026. After a week of devastation i began to hatch an idea. Simulated shelling.
Simulated shelling! There are those lovely videos of people in florida shelling on youtube where you can hear the ocean im the background and see the waves and the shells and the sand. There are those people on etsy that make a living out of collecting shells on the beach and selling them to people online. There is such a thing as a toy box full of water and sand. I would make a little smidgeon of beach and rebury some shells already found by others and then play the shelling videos in the background so i could hear and see the ocean. I could probably even take a cold shower in a bathing suit to make it feel like you just got out of the ocean, and i have a water softener so there you go, the water i wash my hair with already is salt water. I would also probably stock up on snack food and just use the toaster oven, to make it exactly like i was in a hotel with a kitchenette for a week. So the idea for the simulated shelling staycation was hatched. My coworker said, “well why dont you just do it now over a weekend or something?” Because that wouldnt be a vacation. I want a whole week in which i dont have to do anything work related, just like all the other people. For once in 12 years i want one of those vacation things to look forward to too. I dont want to be trying to cram it in between laundry, dish washing, and mowing the lawn on saturday and sunday one week. This idea was meant to make me whole after my week of utter devastation. The original vacation was designed for may of 2026 so i think i will hold onto the shells i ordered until may of 2026. I already asked for a was granted the time off from work for a week and a half. I might as well just tell them i only need a week and keep that date. I ordered so many shells from so many different sellers on etsy. Did you know someone can sell 12 shells for $40 plus shipping? I decided that my life doesnt have to end when im too old to homestead. I have a new retirement plan. I’ll move to florida and rent an apartment so that i dont have to deal with homeowners insurance and repairs every time theres a hurricane. My full time job will be shelling and bringing the packages to the post office to ship off to etsy customers. Whenever theres a hurricane i’ll take time off and go on a road trip because im my own boss and ill stay gone until the hurricane has passed. Ill get out nice and early to beat traffic. When its over ill come back and get back to more shelling. Also, i’ll find a second or third floor apartment so alligators are less likely to come in. I’ll make a killing with what people are willing to pay for shells online and i’ll get to shell all day. Ill have to invest in a lot of sunscreen of course. So that’s my new retirement plan. This replaces the previous plan of learning how to shoot a shotgun, purchasing a shotgun, and turning said shotgun in the direction of adult protective services coming to take me to the nursing home in order to scare them away from my butt so i can die on my own property in my own house with boots on. Most people who know me agree this is an improvement on the previous plan.
Anyways, these are squirreled away in a box in the tiny house. Some of the people really did well, dipping them in acid briefly or shellacking them so that they are heavy, shiny, or exceptionally dark or colorful. These are really some nice looking shells and a real variety too. During the first week in may of 2026, i will take a week off, eat snacks, bury and unbury shells in a toy-box of sand, wash and dry them, sort and categorize them, and watch and listen to the ocean on youtube. It will be a heck of a vacation and i’m sure i will enjoy every minute of it.